New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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