i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
