the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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