if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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