Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
