So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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