I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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