I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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