My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
