if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
