dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
