I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
