is your mom at the bar?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
