non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
