Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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