its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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