The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
