shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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