His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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