im about as happy as oj after his trial
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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