I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
