I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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