If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
