There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
