Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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