how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
