K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
