woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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