I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
