im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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