there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
