I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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