the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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