yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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