sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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