So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize