Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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