i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
