New low: just hacked my moms facebook
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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