gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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