i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
