Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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