can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
vagina is talking i cant
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize