the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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