Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
