I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
