peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Vodka?
Forever.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
