how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize