this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize