Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
