matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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