i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
