I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
