I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
