i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
