i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
