I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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