I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
