He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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