I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
