Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
