I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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