i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
