you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think I have vodka in my lungs
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize