I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
FUCK WHALES
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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