I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
