Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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