i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize