why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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