his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
