It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
