What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
3pm strippers are depressing
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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