Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
