She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
