Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
