hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
