I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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